14. The Journey Through Adult ADHD with Chandra Arrington

This episode is a powerful one, diving into the world of adult ADHD. Chandra shares with us what it is like to live with ADHD and how it contributed to her long struggle with her body image, weight, and eating habits.

She also shares how important it is to bring awareness to the aspects of ourselves feel like they don’t belong to us.

If you’d love to learn more about ADHD first-hand from an incredibly resilient and beautiful soul - this episode is for you.

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About Chandra
Chandra Arrington is a recovering, people-pleaser protestant and ex-corporate middle management devotee. After the loss of a soulmate she embarked on a spiritual revolution. Through intuitive development and a strong belief in connection and oneness, she is creating a new life purpose. Now a podcaster, author, and designer of all things "woo-woo" she makes it her mission to spread a sense of community and belonging for like-minded spiritual, empathic, and highly sensitive people. All of her works invite you to embrace "whatever woo means to you" with joy, humor, sincerity, a well placed curse word, and most importantly, love for each other.

• Check her out on Facebook
• Ohm-g Podcast
• Website

About Andi

Hello! I'm Andi and I'm a Voice & Expression Coach, Medium, and Actress, and I love all things spirituality, expansion and being brave. I have been on a really long journey with my body. If my journey has taught me anything it’s that as humans we are incredibly powerful self-healers. When we allow ourselves to be brave and share our stories, we embody our most transformative ally – our beautiful, empowered strength. I am here to help you reclaim your whole creative, connected and confident self so that you can become EVERYTHING that you are here in this life to be. xx

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• Be a guest on the podcast

Transcript

Welcome to Body Diaries, the podcast that shares our real, raw and unfiltered body stories so that we can finally shake off shame, reconnect with our whole selves and ignite everything that our bodies are capable of.

 I'm your host, Andi Matthies and each week we connect with some of the world's most inspiring body-led humans and explore the energetics that changed their lives. If you've ever felt disconnected from your body, or you are craving to finally unlock your whole experience, this podcast is for you.

Andi M: Hey, beautiful human. This week's episode is a really powerful one. I sit down with the lovely Chandra Arrington, who is an intuitive author, and she is also going through her own journey with adult ADHD. In this episode, she shares with us what it's like to live with ADHD, particularly as an adult. And she also dives into her 

 long history and the struggle that she's had with her body image, her weight and her eating habits and how she's now seeing with this late diagnosis of adult ADHD, how it has actually been connected from the very, very beginning.

She does touch on some of her experiences with childhood trauma, with depression and some of those eating disorders that she struggled with. But it is a really powerful episode if you do choose to tune in. And as always, please don't forget to leave us a review so that we can make sure that anyone who needs to hear Chandra's story, will find it.

Let's dive in.

Andi: is really exciting. Welcome. Welcome Chandra.

Chandra: Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Andi: ADHD is. Something that I'm not familiar with. Can you give us an understanding of what does ADHD mean as an adult? 

Chandra: Um, well, When I was younger, in elementary school, I didn't know that I was different. I didn't know that everybody didn't have all this noise in their head all the time. 

 it's like... Your thoughts, the things you're thinking, then there's background noise of talking that you can't control, and then a song on repeat behind it, all the time, just random. when I was younger and the synapses were a little quicker, it, it didn't affect me as much, but you know, as you get older and, and things slow start to slow down a little bit, that's when it became just so overwhelming to me, and I started to seek help.

Andi: One of the major things that, is going on right now in my healing process is reintegrating into my body, because I have been so disassociated for so long. 

Chandra: it's, I'm finding that one of the hardest parts to do, because when you have, when you've been overweight, when there's been things about your body that you didn't like. 

 it's not a comfortable place to be. and, it's kind of like a two edged sword, the ADHD diagnosis. it gave me a lot of grace and understanding that some of the things that I was going through were, were actually symptoms.

They weren't, like, part of my personality, you know, they were a symptom of something else. And, um, it, it gave me a lot of grace and a lot of understanding in why I am the way I am. But on the other hand, just the function of that disorder makes it very difficult to finish what I've started, to finish the reintegration because it's, there's points where you don't have control of your thoughts.

You know, there's something else that's feeding words to you and it's beyond your control, so that's what we're, trying to heal now.

Andi: So what it sounds like is that the ADHD diagnosis came to you quite later in life. I'm really interested to learn more about your journey with your body early on. What, before ADHD came on board and some of the explanation for some of this came into your awareness, what did your journey look like?

Where did it start? How did you feel, particularly as a young child?

Chandra: Um, Yeah, my body issue part of my life started very young. It was, um, probably second or third grade that I remember, um,when I was little or like kindergarten, first grade,I had, an issue that kept my body from absorbing nutrients. So I was very, very thin, almost gaunt. I look back at pictures of myself in kindergarten.

I'm like, I look like I was very sick. Um, And because I was sick and I wasn't gaining weight and all this stuff, my family if they thought I would eat it, they would give it to me, whatever it was. just to get like some kind of nutrient and some kind of calorie, you know, into this child so that they don't waste away.

And, um, then of course, once the issue was resolved and I got healthy,you can't really then take that child back to not giving them exactly what they want when they ask for it. Right. And so, you know, my, um, my grandparents, especially,

 they didn't mind staying with that type of, um, process and feeding, they were just, you know, they were doting grandparents, give the baby what it wants, you know, um, and didn't really stray from that and didn't try to get me back onto like a really healthy, healthy diet.

So, um, yeah, probably by third grade, I was, I was overweight. 

Food was my comfort, you know, Food gave me the dopamine hits that I didn't even know that I needed. Like that was, that was my go to to make me feel good. there was also family dynamics and, it wasn't a very healthy or happy, home life.

Sothat was also, uh, a coping mechanism.So you know, It just kind of like spiraled from there

Andi: I can resonate so well. I had a weight, a terrible weight battle when I was a kid too, and it's really interesting, no matter who I talk to about this, there seems to be this central theme of control, like whether it's, controlling how you feel about yourself or controlling the situation that's going on around you.

Food is like this thing that you can select and then you can consume in whatever volume the body is craving in terms of that control. And it just becomes the norm. You stop thinking about it after a while, and then you get through those early periods as a child and then into those teen years when things start to get even more stressful, your puberty kicks in and food is like, well, I can't deal with this, so I'm just going to go eat. 

Chandra: The control thing. I totally resonate. that was the thing that I could do for myself. I couldn't, I couldn't make myself,not hear the arguing. I couldn't take myself out of those, situations, but what I could do is I could make myself a sandwich.

I could, get myself a bowl of ice cream. That those were the things that I could do for myself. So that's what I did because I,I didn't know how to take care of myself any other way. I didn't know anything else to do. Right. And it's like the flip side of that is with ADHD, you have a lot of executive dysfunction.

And so that,the planning of meals, trying to think about what do I want for dinner on Tuesday when it's Friday? That doesn't happen. And then, like, in the planning of meals, like, how many ingredients do you need? And what do, what do I need to get at the store to be able to make this meal?

That's also very, very difficult, um,so when you get into this kind of, like, executive dysfunction, It's almost like you just get overwhelmed and you give up, and it's like, whatever the first thing is, you can get your hands on. And that's usually, like you said, a candy bar, a bag of chips, uh, you know, some kind of snack food, right?

And, um, you know, just, just even like the, the thought of cooking, a lot of people will just look at it as like, that's one task. I'm going to cook dinner. That's a thing on my list is to cook dinner. The way I would see it is, okay, I have to marinate the chicken. I have to heat up the grill. I have to, cut up all the vegetables for the salad. Like, it becomes 50 things. 50 tasks and I get overwhelmed and it's like, I don't, I don't feel like doing 50 things. I don't have the energy left in my, even though it's really one thing and I do have the energy, my brain is telling me and it's feeling like I don't have enough left to do all that.

And then there's going to be the dishes and then there's going to be 50 more things that I have to do with the dishes and put those away. And then it's like,I'm just not going to eat because that's too much. I can't deal with it. And that happens a lot. And so, but then when you do realize you're hungry.

You know, you, um, you go for the easiest thing you can get and then eat a lot of it because you've, you feel like you've deprived yourself for so long, you know, now it's like, oh, this feels good. Okay. Yes. The disassociation also causes you to lose that ability to realize I'm full, right?

You don't, your body isn't telling you you're full or you're not receiving the message. You're not paying attention to the message and you don't get it until you're so stuffed that you're like, Oh, I'm sick. You know, I feel, uh, that's when, that's when you know to stop.

 Understanding now how my brain was working then, I can see how howthe weight issues and the health issues played out the way they did. I didn't necessarily see it in my youth, but, hindsight being what it is, I can really, I can see now reasons behind that, but, of course, when you're going through that, you're like, I don't see anybody else dealing with these things.

I don't see anybody else having these issues. So what is wrong with me? Where am I broken, right? I need to fix myself. So that was my story for a long time is, I don't like myself very much because I know I'm a broken vessel, but I'm going to put on this mask and I'm going to be, I'm going to be the funny fat girl.

That everybody likes and I'm going to act like I have it all together, even if I don't and nobody's going to know how broken I am, right? and I had a lot of had a lot of success with that. I actually became a manager of people in my, in my corporate career. So it was a great mask and it lasted for a long time.

Andi: Masks are one of those things that are just so powerful, particularly when you were talking before about disassociation and losing this connection with yourself.

 I'd love to understand more when you add the layer of ADHD over that, like how does that then play into all of that heavy dialogue and things that are already going on when we're talking about body weight and eating and just trying to feel good.

Chandra: actually, I did a little research on that this morning, as a matter of fact. And when it comes to ADHD and eating disorders, ADHD because Especially for women and, I can't speak as much for men because they usually get diagnosed much earlier because their hyperactivity, expresses outwardly, they're the little boys that are bouncing off the walls and can't sit still and are swinging their feet and, you know, playing with something and not paying attention in class.

So they get some attention really early for most, not all girls, but a lot of women and when girls, when they're young, their hyperactivity is between the ears. For Nobody can see it. and you don't have the tools to explain it at that age. And usually at that age, you don't even know that you're, that it's different.

you just have all the noise and you think everybody does, right? So with all that, like, hyperactivity going on in your mind all the time, obviously, there's going to be a comorbidity with anxiety, right? That's just... That's naturally going to happen. 

You're on your way to negative mindset from the start, right? Then you add on the executive function issue. of, like we were talking about before, planning and organizing the food and how to cook a healthy meal and then, getting overwhelmed because it feels like there's so much to do and my mind's already so busy and I'm not going to do it because I can't,um, I, I heard, one person explain it, like, everybody starts their day with 10 spoons, everybody has 10 spoons and for you, getting ready and going to work is one spoon, um, And you've got nine left.

Well, for the person with ADHD, it's five spoons, because you have to shower. You have to get ready. You have to figure out what clothes you have to wear. You have to survive the drive to work. And here's five spoons. Okay, we've only got five left for the day, right? it takes so much more, to do things that other people take for granted.

so that executive function issue, plays into the eating disorders because You're too overwhelmed to do what you know, you need to do to eat healthy, right? And then there's the focus issue because if you're constantly going through this cycle of hyper focus and working on a project. So let's say you're working on a project.

You're super focused on it for four hours you don't think about anything else. You don't eat you don't Usually you don't pee you don't you just are like nothing but that and then you get to a point where okay now, this next part that I have to do for the project is really difficult, and I don't know how to do it right now, so your mind starts spiraling.

It goes into the overwhelm so when you hit that, when you hit that chronic overwhelm, you're going to go to 1 of 2 places. You're going to go find some dopamine, or you're going to go into paralysis, where you just Your mind can't physically make your body do anything, 

And so, when you do finally come out of it, or you do choose the dopamine, What's the easiest thing to get? it's a cookie or a little snack cake or some chips or fries or whatever, you're going to, you're going to find the easiest thing to get to that's going to make you the happiest, so when you look at all those different, symptoms of ADHD, it's really easy to see how every one of those it's just, it makes you primed for an eating disorder, for either binging or, depriving yourself so much because there's so much noise and negativity in your head that, I mean, I've gone through, I've gone through times where I didn't feel like I even deserved food.

Like, that's going to give me too much pleasure.

 It's like I had to, punish myself because I had all this to do, and I was overwhelmed, and I was in paralysis, and I wasn't doing it, and so I'm going to, I need dopamine. I need to feel better. This is too much, and I think about going to get something, but my body won't physically get up off the chair and go get something to eat because I don't des I, I'm not doing the things, I'm not being productive, so I don't deserve it.

I need to sit here in my dopamine deficiency and just deal with it. Like this is, this is what I deserve because I can't do the thing. Right. Um, it's just, it's a crazy mindset. It really is. It really plays tricks on you.

 that is such a deep state to go through. Do you know what? where you learned that you needed to punish yourself? Um, well I think with, one of, one of the things that happens with A D H D is you have just random,really dark thoughts. it's like you'll be cutting a pear and it's just like, what would happen if I really sliced my finger open? Well, why don't I do it and just find out what would it look like?

Like your mind is like, I could drive off this bridge right now. and,this and this would happen in my car. Why don't I do it? And you're like, where's that coming from? That's, that's not my thought. Right.So that plays into it a little bit, but, at a very early age, I was probably,

I guess, second grade, because I had already started, gaining weight, gaining a lot of weight. And we were, of course, just learning the ABCs, learning to spell, learning to write our names, like to. String letters together to write words, right? And so our, our teacher would send us home every night with a little project of words to write, right?

And that night, it happened to be, um, write down three things that you had for dinner, right? And if you don't know how to spell them, ask your parents to just to tell you what letters and you write the letters and string the word together. 

and so I wrote down, I think we had, I think my family had mashed potatoes and some form of meat, and we grew up in a small rural town, too, so there was always, like, a tomato just cut up in a bowl on the table, like, a cucumber just cut up in a bowl.

They were like the sides, and you just, in the summer especially, you always had that, or a melon, like a cantaloupe, cut up on the table. Oh, it's just a staple, right? You had the meal and then you had these extras, right? And so of course I didn't want any of that because I had been conditioned to get what I, you know, what I really wanted.

So my grandmother made me macaroni and cheese. And so I wrote it down on my list. Mac and cheese. I wrote down potatoes, because I had a little bit of the potatoes that they had, and cucumber. And, of course, 

 I was asking my mom how to spell that. And she says, just write down M A C N cheese, and your teacher will know what it is. And I'm like, okay, and so I write that down. And then she takes it and looks at it, looks at my list, and she says, wow, that's a lot of starches. Your teacher's going to think we don't feed you anything but carbs.

And she said it in a way that I knew it, it was a bad thing. This was not the story that you should be telling on this little piece of paper, right? And I can't remember the word she used, but there was just something about it that I never forgot, and it made me feel like...

When it comes to food,I'm, I'm broken. I'm not what I'm supposed to be for whatever reason. So I'm just different. I'm just, I just don't do what normal people do. What I eat is different and bad.

Andi: And I have lived by it my whole life. And the thing is, someone could probably say whatever exact words she said to me today, and I would look at it, and I think it was so benign. I'm like, how did that ever become my story? But it did, right? 

Chandra: And figuring out those kind of things, um, helped me get started on the process of releasing,

Andi: That is a beautiful segue into what I wanted to ask you in terms of what, changed this and turned this for you? 

Well, um,I met Jason when I was 35, so I think that was the start of it because, um, I became introduced to a lifestyle and a, a home life that I didn't know could exist, right? I didn't know two people could live in the same house and not scream at one another.

Chandra: I didn't know that could actually happen and, 

 that oneness for the first time, started me thinking. I want this in every part of my life. Like, I want this feeling in every single part of my life.

In my job, in my friends, in my hobbies, everything. Right? And so, you know, you start seeking that out. and it can lead you into a myriad of different places. And, fortunately, it led me to the, the friends that I have now and,down more of a path of,connecting to my intuition and finding the support in the spirit guides that I never knew I had.

But now I'm just like, how did I ever survive without these, these wonderful beings to guide me, to help me. They're there to, it's what they want to do. That's all they want to do. Why didn't anybody ever tell me this? 

I'm, you know, of course, one of the things that I'm doing is, trying to be very vulnerable with, with my friend group, because, you know, you've, you've had the mask of having it all together for so long. And, there's, there are some very talented healers in the group of friends that I have the podcast with.

 I have, I have people that I can depend on when I come up on a block or something that I just feel like I'm having difficulty either dealing with or defining or, you know, like, I just know this thing is here and I know it's not good and I, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to release it.

especially, when you grow up in a body that's always bullied, that's always shunned in some form or fashion, to talk about your weaknesses with somebody.

And admit those things. That's a whole other level. It takes a lot of motivation and a lot of, like,self wherewithal strength to finally admit that I can't do it. I'm not self sufficient. I can't do it all by myself. and I do think like that vulnerability,and trying to come from a more authentic space.

I think that does create at least a little bit of a better connection with the body, because, you got to let yourself feel something to be able to express what's going on, to to any healer, to whether, you're talking to a doctor, a therapist, a Reiki practitioner, an energy worker, a shaman, whatever, you've got to, you've got to feel something to be able to explain to them why you feel like it's unbalanced, right?

Andi: Definitely. I definitely understand that. And so if you had to describe where you are now and where you're heading in terms of your relationship with your body and making that integration between your body and your ADHD and spirituality, how would you describe that and what does that look like?

Chandra: This is the first point in my life where I've ever been quote, unquote, happy with my weight. I'm 51 years old. Could, are there spots that could be tighter? Yes. Are there spots that could be less lumpy? Yes. But the number on the scale doesn't offend me anymore, right?

the number on the tag in the back of my shirt doesn't offend me anymore. I know that sounds really like sarcastic or whatever, but that's a level of self acceptance that was beyond anything I thought I would ever achieve, right? and just getting to that point where, okay, I'm not going to say I'm happy with my body, But I'm not offended by my body anymore.

Like I can, I can live in this vessel and. it not be, not be something that I have to mask. I can go out in this vessel and not have a mask on that says I'm put together when I'm not. I feel I can be real in this vessel. So that's a huge. That's a huge step forward. I'm starting therapy. I've been, seeing an ADHD practitioner and, now I'm going to start talk therapy because there's so many, traumas and emotions from the past. If you don't deal with them in the moment, they stick in the body, right? ADHD people have a very, it's black or it's white. It's either here or it's not here.

Out of sight, out of mind. That, and that's what happens when, like, if they put their car keys in a drawer, they're not going to remember. They're out of sight, out of mind. The car keys don't exist anymore. So where are they? Oh, my God, I've lost my keys. It really is like that. And so, you know, with traumas or,emotions that you haven't processed from the past.

They're in the past. I don't think about them anymore. And it's like, I was talking to my friend Aaron, and I was like, I can talk about my childhood trauma like it's a glass of water. I mean, I have no reaction to it. it just is what it is. But it's because I'm disassociated so far from it.

But logically, you think, if it's not affecting me, if I don't feel it in my gut or feel it in my throat or, if I can talk about it and I don't feel anything, well, I've got to, I've got to have dropped that and let it go and, it not be affecting me. and I'm to the point now where I'm starting to think that might not be the case.

And I, and I do need to, delve into,some of those things and know for sure, are they there or not? If they are blocks, then let's work on them. But if they're not there, okay, great. It's something else. We'll figure that out next.

And two, You know, we see patterns and stuff comes back around and it feels like 

Why is it coming back around? Why is the same topic? Maybe not the same issue, but the same topic coming back around. I've already dealt with this, but you're dealing with it from a different layer, from a different elevation as you evolve. You're not evolving straight up, you know, like, beam me up, Scotty.

It doesn't, that's not ascension. Ascension is like walking up a spiral. So as you come back around to, to north, whatever issues you were having at that point, You're going to deal with them, but you're going to deal with them from the vibration up here, not the vibration down here, but you're still going to have to deal with that, that, that lesson with that issue.

It's just, you're going to deal with it from a higher perspective. And then it becomes, okay, do I, do I react to it? Does it trigger me? Or am I now at a point where I can, look at it as a neutral observer and be mindful and go, how am I going to react to this? That's where, that's at least where you want to get to, where at least it's not a trigger anymore, and you can look at it objectively and say, how much of my attention does this really need?

Andi: I love the analogy of the spiral and coming back around to that north point, because when we're in it, the north point feels exactly the same as it did, because we don't have in that moment necessarily the memory to look at it from the side view. 

So that is a beautiful analogy. I love that.

Chandra: The fact that it comes back around means the universe is trying to give you something better if you'll just put into action what you've learned and deal with it differently this time 

Andi: Yeah, they really put the lights and sirens on to uh, make you really get it, the final times around. 

So I would love to then just close off by learning a little bit more about what you're working on and that how we might be able to connect with you moving forward.

Chandra: About three months ago, I'll say, it's like the, it's like the energy just shifted for me. I was in a place of, having all these ideas, but having no, no energy or no, no fuel to bring anything into reality, right? And then in, in March or April, it's just like the energy just shifted.

And it's okay, now I can do all the things, right? And I have six friends and we have a podcast together called, OMG. Because when we would get together, it was always like, oh my God, you will not believe what happened. OMG, this is, and so we were like, it's got to be, OMG,like third eye mantra.

and so we really just get together and talk the episode that came out today was, about the wanting self, so it's just like what we were talking about, uh, filling a void with food, or filling a void with shopping and maxing out your credit card, or filling a void with alcohol or substance abuse, and 

Sometimes it's just us like just talking about experiences that we've had, like crazy paranormal things that we've seen or, things that have come up in readings for us that were just like, yeah, whatever. And then, three months later, it's oh my God, she was right.

 So those are the kind of things that we talk about on the podcast.

It's just mostly like anything woo 

And, my friend Brenda and I, we do a, um, a live on Instagram and Facebook every Friday morning and we do free, free Oracle readings for people 

So that's like our way of giving back to our community 

And I've got four books at the moment published on Amazon, a tarot journal, A manifesting journal, and, a, like a young adult children's, Story about manifesting and, moon cycles and how it All interacts.

It's just, it's just a little fantasy story. It's really cute and a journal to go along with that. So we've got a lot of those, products out there, and then I'm working on opening a Shopify store for gifts for people like us who are, you are like, yeah, the spiritual journey is fun, but it can suck at times too.

sometimes you, the energy builds up and you just need like the one well placed curse word just to break the tension. You gotta poke a little fun at it, or it just becomes too overwhelming.

Oh, amazing. When does that launch?

I'm hoping by the end of the summer, I'll have, at least several products up. But that's my goal. By the end of the summer.

Andi: Amazing. Well, we will definitely pop the link to the Omji podcast in as well as your store to all of your journals. And then we'll be closely following, for when your Etsy store is up to be able to share that down the track. That's really exciting.

Chandra: appreciate that, Andi. Thank you so much.

Andi: Well, it's been an absolute pleasure, to talk with you today. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for sharing. I know there is some really vulnerable stuff in there today, so I just want to really express from my heart to yours just how much I appreciate you sharing that with us. I know that there'll be a lot of people.

that resonate particularly with this journey. and it's always lovely to hear and share so that we'd feel less alone. So I'm really grateful for you sharing today.

Andi M: This is such a beautiful conversation with Chandra today. I really hope that it was as helpful for you as it was for me. And if you're starting to feel really drawn to connect with Chandra, I really do encourage you to look her up on Facebook.

She's at Moon Valley Int. That's Moon Valley I N T. And of course, if you want to connect with me, I'm here. You'll find me on Instagram at @andi.matthies. I'm always up to explore what working together could look like to really help you start to deepen that connection with your body and your own higher abilities so that we can start getting that abundance and that bravery and that creativity anchored into your body and pouring into every area of your life.

Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. If you loved listening, please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review because I'd love to give you a shout out. You can find us on Instagram at @bodydiariespodcast.

You can also find me, your host, at @andi.matthies. And if you're feeling ready to share your story on Body Diaries or you have some powerful insights from your own work that you know would help others on their own journeys, fill in the guest application that's in the show notes.

This podcast was recorded in Naam, the traditional lands of the Kulin Nation, to whom I pay my respects to Elders past and present, as well as any other Aboriginal Elders of other communities who may be listening.